9 Things Cancer Has Taught Me

It's finally here! I was officially diagnosed with breast cancer on September 17, 2012. So as of tomorrow, I am so excited to say that I am a survivor of ONE year! I say "officially" because I already knew when I got the phone call. And yes, it's true that nurses make the worst patients. There are people who I went through chemo with who have already passed away. So I feel incredibly blessed to feel healthy and strong.

Looking back on the past year, I have realized that my life has changed in so many ways. I have lived more, learned more, and loved more. So here are nine things I have learned about myself and my life in the past year. Why nine you may ask? Because that's how many I ended up with when I finished typing. Duh :)

My AMAZING friends and family at the THINK PINK walk right after I was diagnosed.

Right after I had my head shaved.

First time going bald in public :)

1. I AM BLESSED. Bad things happen to everyone. But God will never put you through anything that you can't handle. He often uses our deepest pain as a launching pad for our greatest calling. When I look at my life, I don't think of myself as a victim. I look  at all the people who love me and all of the great things I have in my life and think, "Wow! I am so blessed!" Yes, a lot of the things I have been through have sucked. But there are people in this world who don't have food, or a place to live, or shoes on their feet, or any of the million things I have. There are people who would love to have my life. I can honestly say I did not view life that way before cancer. It has taught me that life is a gift from God, and it is never to be taken granted because the things you may take for granted may be the things someone else is praying for.

2. TAKE CHANCES. We have all heard that saying a million and one times. You only live once. And as annoying as it has come to be after being posted and repeated a million times, it is true. It is so easy to get bogged down with day to day life and day to day decisions that we tend to take the easy road a lot. But life is all about decisions and even though the right road may not be the easiest road, it could lead to something greater than you could ever imagine. It may be scary at times. But you'll never get there if you don't learn to take chances. Never let your fear decide your fate.

3. FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE AND BE THAT PERSON. We all have those times in our lives where we just feel completely and utterly lost. Some people go a whole lifetime feeling lost before figuring out who they are. And that's ok...as long as you are actively searching to find that person you were meant to be. Sometimes when bad things happen, it can make you reevaluate your life and help you to realize things you might not have realized before. Getting sick did this for me. It helped me to see how blessed I am. And it helped me to realize what things in life were important to me and to learn to value those things. And for those people who may still be trying to find themselves, consider this. Sometimes, the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.

4. NEVER STOP DREAMING. For a few days when I first got sick, I felt like my life had stopped. What was the point in dreaming about the future and the things I could do when I might not even be here to do them? This mentality didn't last long. I soon realized that no one knows what the future can bring except God, so you can't stop going after what you want, no matter what. In the past year, I have gone back to school, bought a condo, and dreamed of what my life will be like five or even ten years from now. Cancer was not the end of my life. If I would have resigned myself to doing nothing just because there was a possibility that I may not make it, then I wouldn't have the amazing life that I have now. We could all be gone tomorrow. But that won't stop us from making plans and going after our dreams today.

5. LAUGH MORE. Seriously, laughter is the best medicine. When I am in a bad mood, I do one of two things to cheer myself up. I either put on some great music or I look at funny pictures and videos and laugh until I cry. Laughing warms the heart and soul. And it is contagious. People feed off of each other. If I went around crying everyday because I had cancer, other people would feel sorry for me and cry too. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. And I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me. So since the beginning, I have tried to make light of it and keep the jokes coming. My favorite is "These are my fake boobs. My real one's tried to kill me." :) Not only does it give others hope to see you in good spirits but it can heal YOUR soul as well. So surround yourself with positive people who try to see the good and the funny in situations and laugh with them.

6. LOVE MORE. To love another person, is to see the face of God. So love, love, and love some more. And forgive those who have wronged you. No matter what. And let yourself be loved. Without those who love us and support us, life would be empty. One of my favorite bands, Mumford & Sons, put it perfectly, "Love, it will not betray you, dismay you, or enslave you. It will set you free." Remember, "You are loved more than you will ever know, by someone who died to know you. " Romans 5:8

Also, be kind. In fact, be a little kinder than necessary. You never what what storms God may have asked a person to walk through.

7. ACCEPT and RESPECT YOURSELF. The good and the bad. Hair, scars, and all. Accept everything about yourself and learn to embrace it. You were made in God's image so love yourself and treat your body with respect. And always remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. In times of doubt, just step outside, get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and where you want to be. You are never as broken as you think you are. Sure, you have a couple of scars and maybe a couple of bad memories, but then again, all the great heroes do :)

8. DON'T WORRY. BE HAPPY. Sometimes what screws us up the most is the picture in our heads of how things are supposed to be. Well I have breaking news...you are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be. So don't worry about it. So maybe you wish you were somewhere else in life? You will get there when you are meant to get there and not one moment sooner. So relax, breathe, and be patient. It's in God's hands. I have spoken in the past about the serious anxiety I have sometimes encountered about the cancer coming back. But in the end, I have to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about it. Worry won't stop bad stuff from happening, it will stop you from enjoying the good.

9. MOVE ON WHEN THE TIME COMES. You have to let yourself move on to the next chapter in life when the times comes, whether it's from cancer, a significant other, a job, a bad place in life, etc. Don't get stuck on the same page.

So there you have it. Nine ways in which cancer has changed my life for the better in the past year. One of my favorite quotes of all times is by Robert Frost, "I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference." Sometimes great things come out of bad situations. In the past year, I have met amazing people and done amazing things...things I never would have done before. And I have come to love my life and my God even more. And I have learned to take my hardships and use them in a positive way. Life is a beautiful struggle. You just have to have the courage to live it.

XOXO
-Madison

Quarter Life Crisis

I know. It has been entirely too long since I have posted anything. And in all honesty, my posts may be a bit more sporadic since I start grad school tomorrow. I have so much to catch up on that I'm not really sure where to begin. I have so many posts about things I want to say started and saved as drafts, but sometimes it takes me a while (even up to a few months) to find the right words. What can I say? I'm one of those people who thinks before speaking and the same applies to my writing. I'm also an introvert by nature. And sometime it takes me a while to build up the courage to post my private thoughts and feelings and things about my life for the world to see. But I always find it to be therapeutic in the end. And as I've said before, someone, somewhere may find healing and answers by hearing my story and struggles. In fact, I frequently get messages and emails from random people telling me thank you for sharing my story or to ask me questions or for advice. So that makes it all worth it. Also I like to live by the Dr. Seuss quote, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." For this post, however, I'm simply writing as it comes to mind. So it may be a bit random in nature.

First, let me give you all an update about the whole cancer thing. I had my six month follow up with my oncologist about two weeks ago. This appointment was much easier than the last. I could definitely feel God's presence with me and His comforting hands on me. I spoke in my last post about very nearly having an anxiety attack at my three month follow up. I was on my way to the cancer center and just the thought of having to go back really made me panic. But I said a prayer before even leaving the house this time and I felt strangely calm the entire time. It went very well. Nothing new to report. I will go back in another three months.

I had my last surgery (at least I hope!) earlier this week as far as the reconstruction process goes. And I could not be happier to be done!!! If I never have to been poked or prodded like a pin cushion ever again, it would be too soon. Below is my final "Let's do this!" picture from before going in.

I am still taking the tamoxifen everyday, which I have to take for five years. I've heard people call it the devil drug but it hasn't been so bad. The biggest side effect from it has been the hot flashes. And boy are they intense. I have always been a cold natured person and I still am for the most part. But when a hot flash hits, it's like my skin is on fire. I feel like a woman in her fifties going through menopause as my face sometimes turns red and I have to fan myself. It never lasts more than a few minutes though. And I take the tamoxifen at night which seems to help as I sleep through the worst of it. Other than the hot flashes though, along with my short (and now curly!) hair and some scars, I feel like a normal person. I realize that many people have long lasting side effects from the surgeries, chemo, and medicines so I feel grateful to feel healthy and strong. Other than the tamoxifen, I just take some vitamins, which I have always taken, even as far back as high school. I plan to write a more in depth post soon about the medicines I take and the vitamins which I find helpful so stay tuned :)

In other news, some of you may have noticed that the title of this post is Quarter Life Crisis. Ever have those off days or weeks where you question everything in your life? I know we all have bad days and sometimes even the calmest of people can be a little dramatic (myself included). But I'm talking about those periods in life where you may have some serious and nagging doubts about the road you have taken. Have you taken the right path? Have I taken the right path?

Most of us were raised to expect a certain timeline for our lives. Go to college. Begin your career. Get married. Have kids. And all of these things typically happen in your twenties or up into your early thirties, especially in the South where tradition seems to dictate. But what if those things don't happen as expected? What if life throws you curve balls that seem to delay the normal process of things? Or what if you find yourself not wanting to live your life that way? This is where I have been stuck as of late. I was talking to some friends the other day who are around the same age as me and they say they often have the same thoughts and questions. So I figured I would share my struggles as of late and what I have decided it all means in the end, hence the title of this post.

I am 25 years old. I have a great career as an RN and am starting back in school for my Master's as a Nurse Practitioner. By all appearances, I am on the right track. But I still have my doubts (as does everyone I imagine). And lately, they have really been on my mind. I have an amazing group of friends who are at all walks of life. Around half of my friends are married, have a steady career, and have kids or have kids on their mind. And the other half are single/dating, working on finding their passion in life and the right career, and like to go out frequently. And I tend to find myself somewhere in the middle. And sometimes I can't help but wonder if I am going in the right direction and making the right choices for my life. 

Let's start from the beginning. I recently took a new position as the Patient Care Coordinator or charge nurse on my floor. To have only been a nurse for two years, I consider this to be an accomplishment. I am thankful my peers and bosses consider me responsible and competent enough to be in a leadership position. But I would be lying if I said it hasn't been a tough transition. It's quite a bit more stressful and I find myself missing direct patient care, as I do not always have patients. I am also going back to school to get my Master's as an Adult-Gero/Women's Health Nurse Practitioner, which should take me roughly two years to complete. With this degree, I would most likely work in a clinic somewhere. I love being a nurse. And I have no doubts about the fact that I am meant to do nursing. But if I am 100% honest with myself, my ultimate dream is to travel. And I don't just mean travel nursing, although I would love to do that as well. I want to see the world. To go outside of my comfort zone. To experience different cultures. To help people who don't have the means to help themselves. And to experience God's beautiful creation outside of what I am used to. Traveling and being in school simply do not go well together. So, while I am comfortable in knowing that I want to be a Nurse Practitioner and I want to go back to school, I still question whether this is the right path for me.

Then there is the topic of marriage and dating. I don't date all that much. I've never been one of those girls that has to have a man to feel secure. I do go out sometimes. But to have fun  and hang out with my friends. Not scope out potential boyfriends. 

I guess the ultimate question is am I on the right path in my life? The path God wants for me? Am I where I should be at age 25? My life seems so different than what I expected it to be ten years ago. And this is the concept I have been struggling with lately, as have many people my age whom I've spoken with recently, hence the quarter life crisis.

So here is what I have come to realize about all of this. My life is not my own. It belongs to my Creator and it is in His hands. This verse brought me comfort earlier this week.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

God has a plan. He has a plan for me just as He does for you. And things happen on His time. Not ours. When the time is right, we must have faith that He will present the right career choices for us. And when the time is right, He will introduce us to the perfect person with whom He wants us to spend our life with. We simply have to have faith in His plans and allow Him to guide us along the path He has chosen for our lives. Don't worry about the rest. So you may not be where you saw yourself ten years ago? Maybe by unforeseen circumstances you couldn't go to college or finish school. Maybe you haven't decided what you want to do with your life yet. Maybe you got cancer or lost your job. Maybe you don't find yourself wanting a "normal" life. Or maybe you had a kid before planned or did things out of the expected order.  So what? It's God's plan for you. And He doesn't make mistakes. TRUST IN HIM. Let go of the past and seek Him. The rest will work itself out. Besides, in the grand scheme of things, 25 is very young :) And you have plenty of time!

I read this post somewhere online earlier today and it sums up my thoughts perfectly.

"We as humans tend to conform to the ideas of what we were taught life should be like and find ourselves disoriented and feeling lost when it doesn’t actually look like that. We were all spoon-fed idealistic falsehoods about what life would look like, and I don’t think anybody (or very few people at least) have really lived it out, so don’t worry about it. It’s okay to go off track, you’ll probably find a different path that leads you somewhere better. The comfort zone you know now was once a place you were probably afraid of. Move with the flow of your life, let it take you places you’re unsure of. That is where you find things you couldn’t have imagined. Get married when you want, don’t get married when you want, have a kid when you want, or don’t. It doesn’t matter. People like to put ages on things that are really subjective to each person. Don’t feel bad if you do or don’t want to do something within the age bracket that people have assigned to it. You do you. There will be someone who loves you for what you are, but you know what that doesn’t even matter, because the peace you find within yourself once you are really being who you are is more than enough."

Be who you are. Do what you love. Have faith in God's plan. And let the worries and stress about the way you feel your life "should" be go.

Love always,

Madison

Life is an adventure

Life is a miracle. It's a blessing. It's a gift. And it's an adventure. And we should all live it to the fullest. Take every chance you get and never let fear stand in your way.

There is a country sing by Tim McGraw that sums up my thouglife right now pretty accurately.

He said, “I was in my early fortiesWith a lot of life before meWhen a moment came that stopped me on a dime”

”I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-raysTalking ‘bout the options and talking ‘bout sweet times”

I asked him when it sank inThat this might really be the real end”How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?Man, what'd ya do?”He said

”I went skydivingI went rocky mountain climbingI went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man ChuAnd I loved deeperAnd I spoke sweeterAnd I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'”

And he said, “Someday I hope you get the chanceTo live like you were dyin'”


Read more: TIM MCGRAW - LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYING LYRICS 

This is something I have learned in the past year. And in the few short months I have adopted this philosophy, I have accomplished so much! For example, I recently went skydiving! SKYDIVING PEOPLE! That is something I never thought I would do much less had any desire to do! I have also taken on kayaking! And I never pass on a chance to go do fun things. I bought a season pass to Six Flags and White Water and have already been a few times this summer. I am playing tennis frequently and finding time to read more books. And I went yesterday to play some laser tag with my brother and friends. 

In short, I have been staying busy this summer. Which is also why my blogging time has been cut short as of late. Sorry! But I am loving life and all the adventures it has to offer!

I am now a little over 5 months out from being done with the chemo treatments. And I feel great! I am eating cleaner and working out regularly. I hardly ever think about the C word. And I sure as heck don't view myself as sick or in need of pity. In fact, I feel sorry for every else who doesn't have the capacity or the ability to view life as I do. A gift from God. And one in which I plan on living to the fullest.

This picture cracks me up every time I see it!

Live more. Love more. Never give up. And never let anyone tell you that you can't live your life the way you want to. 

writer's block

I've been suffering from a bit of writer's block lately. I have a bunch of drafts started on subjects I want to talk about and I have all of these ideas swirling around in my head, but the words won't seem to come together for some reason. With writing, I've learned, I have to be in a certain mood. Also, I have been SO, SO busy that I really haven't had much time on my hands to just sit and think much less type.

But time is all I have for the next two weeks because I will be at home recovering from the surgery I had yesterday. That's right people. I had my last major surgery for breast cancer and am now officially done :) Essentially, I had a boob job. Although the details may be a little different from the normal breast augmentation. I had my tissue expanders removed and silicone implants put in. And I have to say that so far, this surgery has been a BREEZE compared to the last one. I'm just a little sore but overall I feel GREAT. It's an amazing feeling to be done. I've said it before and I'll say it again but I am more than ready to put breast cancer in the past and move forward with my life.

I obviously get a little crazy with anesthesia in my system because I decided to have a mini photo shoot while still in the recovery room.

I am in the process of reworking some aspects of this blog to make it easier to navigate. Hopefully with the extra time on my hands these next few weeks I will get some posts done :) So bear with me and check back soon!

KEEP THE FAITH

I had my first 3 month follow up appointment at the cancer center today. And everything went well! I will go back in another 3 months. Most of my symptoms from chemo are gone now and I feel great. I have quit wearing the scarves to work as I now have a full head of hair. It is dark and straight and goes everywhere due to my cowlick(s) :) But I am happy it's finally growing back and so quickly! People tell me all the time that every time they see me it is a little longer.

So as I was driving to the doctor, I started having some serious anxiety. I'm not sure if it was just the thought of having to go back there or being worried that they would find something. But for whatever reason, I about had a breakdown. Those who know me know that I do not have a very anxious personality so this is pretty unusual for me. But lately, I have been having episodes where I get very panicked about everything. It seems to have gotten worse now that I am done with treatments. What if it comes back? I do NOT want to go through that again. Am I really supposed to wait until I have symptoms from another tumor to know that its back? My doctor says that scans are not really necessary at this point unless there is a reason for one. I almost asked for one anyways just for my peace of mind but I trust my physicians and their judgement. She says I am doing great and I really do feel great!

So back to the anxiety. It's like a quiet that DOESN'T come after the storm. My treatment is over, and my life finally is back to normal. It may be a new normal, but I'm glad to be alive. I look fine, and I feel good, physically. Everyone else is relieved that the worst is behind me. So why am I feeling so scared now? I have been researching this and have come across a lot of web pages and blogs where people in similar situations describe going through the same thing. Nearly everyone who has been treated for breast cancer has doubts about whether the disease might come back. And everybody has a different opinion on how to cope with it, most of them suggesting joining some sort of support group or something. But not everyone, myself included, is comfortable talking to random people about their problems. We all cope with anxieties in our own way and there is no easy answer. So I am going to share with you how I cope and how I deal with the anxiety :)

It can all be summed up in one word. FAITH. I have faith in God's plan for me and I trust in Him. In fact, this belief gets me through most struggles in my life, not just the ones involving breast cancer. Now, as a disclaimer, I am not trying to push my beliefs on anyone. (In fact, it is a daily struggle, even for me, to hold steadfast in my faith and remember that my life here on Earth is not my own) I am simply telling you how I cope with my struggles and you can take from it what you like :) But I can't imagine going through something so life altering and not having a solid foundation to lean on. For me, that's God. Whenever I start getting anxious or uncertain about my future or the cancer, I remind myself that God loves me and He has a plan for my life. And I pray. I pray for peace of mind, continued healing, and that I continue to stay strong in my faith. I'm not saying it's easy. But this is what brings me comfort. I mentioned driving to the doctor earlier and getting very worried. So I turned the radio to my local Christian rock radio station. And the song playing was talking about knowing that God is with you through whatever struggles you may be facing. It was like He was speaking to me personally in that exact moment, and reminding me of His presence. 

People say that you should have a least one person in your life whom you can confide in and talk to. And I agree. It's not healthy to shut yourself off and bottle everything up. But sometimes, just talking in general can help. Even if there is not a physical person standing right beside you to whom you're talking. I talk to God. And I talk to you all :) In the beginning, I did sort of retreat into myself. Not because was depressed, just because it was hard for me to find the words when talking to people. So I started blogging. And my friends have all told me that they really feel like it has become a good outlet for me to express myself. For me, it's easier to write than to talk. 

So what am I trying to say with all of this? You are never alone in your struggles. There is ALWAYS someone who loves you and is willing to listen. You just have to have faith in that. And remember, whether you believe in God or not, that He loves you and he is always willing to listen, no matter where you stand in your faith. Remember, just as talking about your diagnosis and treatment may have helped you through the early days, talking about your fears relating to recurrence may help you later on. Find whoever or whatever it is that gives you strength and cling to it. 

Just a little inspiration for those self conscious days

So it's been awhile since I've made a post. But so much has been going on in my life and I have just stayed busy the past few weeks! I am finally starting to move in to my new condo! And it looks amazing :) I still love it as much as the day I bought it. I promise to post some before and after pictures soon!

In other news I now have a full head of hair! And, unfortunately, my cowlick IS growing back. But so far it looks brown and straight like before. For anyone post chemo who may be reading this...I suggest taking a vitamin called biotin. I was told about this from a few other cancer survivors and I've really noticed my hair growing back quicker since beginning it! I'm three months out from chemo now and still wearing a wig/scarf. But that is mainly because I feel like I look like a boy with short hair. I'm hoping to ditch the head gear soon though :)

Whenever I feel self conscious about wearing a wig I like to look at pictures of female celebrities who have shaved their head or cut it short and rocked it! Below are a few of my favorites!

Charlize Theron (This is about the length and look of my hair now! Maybe a little shorter)

                                  

Emma Watson. She has such a classic look about her!

                                    

Anne Hathaway 

                            

So I'm not really a Miley Cyrus fan but you have to admit that the girl can rock the short hair look!

                ccccc           

Michelle Williams

I'm sure there is someone I am forgetting but these are just a few of my favorites! Hair grows back. You just have to remind yourself of that. And always remember that you are a survivor! And while you may feel self conscious at times, you beat cancer! And that's way cool and something to be proud of! 

Moving on from the dreaded C word

Sorry for the delay in posting anything. But for the record, it has taken me a really long time to write this post. It's hard to put in words the emotions you face post cancer. Actually it's hard for me to put my emotions into words in general. And it's hard to describe these emotions without sounding like a whiner. So bear with me.

Life is finally starting to get back to normal. I am working out regularly and am starting to feel my strength coming back. Condo renovations are moving forward and I am hoping to move in within the month. And I recently took the GRE in preparation for hopefully going back to school soon. On the outside, my life appears to have gone back to normal. This brings me to the question of the hour, the same question I have been struggling to answer here recently. How do you really move on from a life altering experience such as cancer?

It's a daily struggle, a concept that most survivors will probably struggle with for a long time. You go about your day as normal and as best you can, but it's always in the back of you mind. What if they missed just one cancer cell? Will it come back? You look in the mirror and the reminders are there everyday. You're bald. You now have the battle scars. It's easy to wonder "Will I ever feel normal again? Will there ever come a day when I WON'T have cancer on the back of my mind?" 

I have the best friends a girl could ask for. But for a while I struggled even talking to them. It seemed like everyones lives were moving forward....marriages, wanting kids or having kids, new boyfriends or crushes, new careers, etc. While I used to be worried about those things too, my life seemed to be going in a totally different direction post cancer. Most days it still feels that way. It was and still is sometimes hard to listen to what is going on in everyone else's life and not get a little jealous and down. All I can think is "I would kill to have those things...to have a normal life...to wake up and be worried about a fight I had with my boyfriend last night rather than will the cancer come back and will I live to forty?" Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and am happy that they have such great things going on in their lives. But it's still hard to look at a lot of them and wonder if my life will ever be normal like that again.

I recently went out with some friends for a night out on the town. And I had a great time! For the most part, I felt like a normal 20-something year old out having fun. But in the back of mind I was constantly second guessing myself. Can people tell I'm wearing a wig? Did she just look at me weird because she knows I had breast cancer? Do my boobs look weird? I even had a guy ask for my number. This is laughable in itself because those who know me know I am a TERRIBLE flirt. But hey, I guess I did something right. Anyways, he asked for my number and all I could think was what if we actually went out on a date? How would I begin to explain my history with cancer or why I am wearing a wig? Or should I even tell him? When is it appropriate to have that conversation? It's stressful and downright scary.

Then there are the days when I hear people complaining about stupid things and I just want to scream at them! You're worried about THAT?? Its hard to feel sorry for people complaining about the little things going wrong in their lives when you're worried about something as dreadful as cancer. I know I shouldn't feel that way but some days I just do. I worked throughout chemo and I would have days when I would take care of rude, complaining patients and I would just want to say, "Really? You're carrying on about your big toe hurting while I'm taking care of you after having a chemo treatment a week ago? I'm exhausted and hurting but you don't hear me complaining so suck it up!" Ok so the big toe thing may be a bit of an exaggeration but you get the idea.

It would be so easy to get down about it. And I can completely understand why so many cancer survivors feel the need for therapy or group support after cancer. It's hard to go back to a normal life after dealing with something so huge. Cancer leaves physical scars, but it also leaves emotional scars. To sum it all up, it's just hard. But life goes on. And for anyone who may be going through a similar struggle, I'm here to tell you that it does get better. You just take each day as it comes and do it with a smile on your face. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it sucks. No, you are not doing it alone. There are others facing similar struggles. I always try to remember that as bad as I think I may have it some days, someone else always has it worse. In the grand scheme of things, I lead a blessed life and can be thankful for the days the Lord has given me already. Everyone has something going on their life that they wish they could change. So mine just happens to be that I had breast cancer. I have faith that there will come a day when I will wake up reassured that it is gone for good. It doesn't happen over night. Cancer is an awful, terrible thing. But after facing it, you get a new outlook on life. I now try to never take anything for granted. And I am more aware now that I only have one life, so I should live it to the fullest, because you never know how long it may last. It's taken me a little while to learn this, and I'm still learning to apply it daily, but you should only worry about the parts of your life THAT YOU CAN CONTROL and LET GOD HANDLE THE REST. You can't control when you'll die or how but you can control how you live your life.

I like to put at least one picture in every post so these pictures are for inspiration. I ran a 5k the other day in the mud! Only two months after finishing chemo. (For those of you who may not know, chemo takes a BIG toll on your strength) It was freezing and one of the most physically demanding things I have done in a long time. (HUGE thanks to my brother for running it with me and being so supportive the whole way!) I had never done a race before cancer and now I have. I have even signed up for another 5k a month from now. And I have been working hard at the gym a few times a week! After being so weak from treatments, I now more fully appreciate a strong and healthy body. So in some ways, cancer has changed my life in a positive way! This is proof that it does get better!